Weeks 20-24

So much has changed in the last month but one thing remains constant: my growth! Which of course, adds to a lot of the flux I am experiencing right now as well. As of 10/05, I had gained 20 pounds since conception! I was happily reassured by my midwife that I am right on schedule for the suggested weight gain during pregnancy. Which I think is 25-35 pounds.

Although, I was nervous during the initial periods of my growth; unable to find any clothes in my closet to wear while knowing I hadn't even made it half-way and barely had a bump to prove I was packing a baby. But now, I revel in my growth. I love to look at my body and belly in the mirror and see all of the curves that support my life and of my baby's.

I love to look at the subtle changes too, like my belly-button. The symbol of my connection to my mother's womb, now reflects the growth of my own womb. Its not protruding quite yet, but I am fascinated with how little of my finger can fit in it now. Possibly the most beautiful symbol of my maternal growth are my breasts. I've always had wonderful, small breasts but now they are ample and full of my own womanly glory! Two whole cup sizes I have gained and it won't be much longer till I can say three. Woah!

I have been putting a collagen building creme on at night and so far, no stretch marks. Not that I will mind if I do get them, or if I lose my breasts completely after breastfeeding, or if my body does take the 8-12 months (or longer) it can take to regain a once more-familiar form. Becoming a mother and allowing for complete transformation of my body provides a wonderful meditation on impermanence. We all have the potential to be something other than what we are in any given moment, regardless if where we happen to be is where we "want" to be. There is a lot of grace to be found in just doing what you can and being grateful for the vessel for the experience of life.

Lately, I've been able to feel the baby flip and turn inside of me which is really fun. Her movements are much more consistent, and occasionally feel like fireworks! During my first appointment with Treasure Valley Midwives, Paula saw me and we listened to the baby's heartbeat (which was 150 bpm at 23 weeks). When she had the little sonic device right over the baby, the baby kept pushing up on it with enough force that the device would jump and we'd hear a bunch of static. Such a smart lil' one and Paula said she's a mover and a shaker indeed!

One night around week 22 I was laying in bed reading a magazine. The magazine rested on my belly and at one point the baby kicked so hard that the magazine jumped. And just a few nights ago while laying in the bathtub, I could see waves of movement on my belly while the baby puff turned to get comfortable. I couldn't help but think of a friend of mine who asks about the little alien. Although, I don't like to think of this beautiful life as being alien, I couldn't help but laugh in reference to it in that way at that moment.

With all of the added strength and movement of our little one, James can now feel her with his hand on me. And with that added connection for him, he's been talking to my belly more often and touching the little pod to say hi all the time. Its so sweet, I love it.

Often at night I'll lay my hands on my belly and imagine what she must look like. I like to envision her, golden and glowing surrounded in my red, warm, shelter. When I do this I can feel such a strong energetic current moving through both of us. It often is so warm and soothing that I fall fast asleep.

20 week ultrasound pics

4 weeks after they were done here they are:
The baby's beautiful profile:
S/he was facing towards us, with her arms crossed and cradling her face:
Look at the lil' piggies!!
Baby gives us thumbs up! :)

I was so happy to learn that the baby is healthy and developing all of its organs and systems and both hemispheres of the brain, as well as the spinal cord. As we walked into the ultrasound room the tech asked if we'd be finding out the sex of the baby and without a moment's hesitation, I said no. I did struggle with that decision, but ultimately I knew I'd feel like I was peeking at a present before I'm supposed to see it. After seeing the baby in the ultrasound I felt even more strongly in my heart that it was a girl because of how sweet she looked. I thought, there's no way that it can't be a baby girl. But I am so happy to have either, it doesn't matter.

The ultrasound experience was so memorable for me because it was the first time I saw my baby, as a baby. It didn't look like a seed, or a sea monkey, but a living being. It was the first time I felt my motherly instinct kick in with infinite wonder and amazement at my child. What a gift...... :)

Half way to Baby!

Yep, 20 weeks of my pregnancy have already passed. Its amazing how fast its gone by, even with its moments of anticipation that seem never ending coupled with moments of feeling fearful of birth and what lies ahead. All of it being great a preparatory process for just being... here... now. :)

The pictures above were taken last week at Burning Man in Black Rock City, NV. This year was James and I's 2nd year. Being pregnant on the playa (400 square miles of open space) definitely gave me challenges that I hadn't faced last year. It was such a rich and rewarding experience for us both. Our extended family of friends were so supportive and loving and my favorite part of the Burn this year. Davina and Joan, both mothers and health care providers, were such great role-models and friends. I feel so blessed to have them, as well as the e n t i r e crew in our corner. Special thanks to Davina and Tony Pastrama, Joan Haynes, Patrick Sullivan, Wayne Seeliger, Amy, Marcy, & Vicki Westover, Jay Blackhurst, Tim Hastings, Christine Faith, Diana Anderson, Jody Stanislaw, and everyone else that I'm blanking on in the moment for the love and support that comes so naturally to you all.

James and I were so touched by our community that we decided, what is most important is keeping that alive back home. In a few weeks, the date is still to be determined, we will be hosting our *heART* party. Its been in our minds for quite some time. We wanted to have a celebration of our commitment to each other when he decided to move in in May- before the baby came to us, and to celebrate his most recent art installation. A beautiful symbol of love, courage, and faith. Its a beautifully transitional piece for him, in my opinion, since most of his work has previously been a critical look into consumerism in our country and this offers a feeling-tone of aspiration, growth, and hope.

We invite all of our friends and family to join us on this special day, probably October 3rd (also James' 35th Birthday!) to share our joy of love for each other, our friends & family, creativity, community, and the heART within us all. We want this to be a creative collective event and ask for your participation as you see fit: presence, music, art, performance, poetry, hula hooping, poi dancing, sidewalk chalk sporting, costuming, baking, cooking, grilling, drink mixing... whatever!

Details to follow as they are available....

***

Another exciting thing about being 20 weeks along. WE CAN FIND OUT THE SEX OF THE BABY! But I doubt we will! Ha ha! Sorry guys, I just sense that there will be nothing like the moment of birth and hearing.. "Its a . . . "

Even though we've intuited that it is a girl, we are both very open to it being a boy and have stopped calling it "Padme" out of respect for all possibilities. Its new nickname is "Baby Puff" which makes us both smile and laugh. :)

My ultrasound appointment is Monday the 14th and we will post pictures after. Instead of determining the sex, I am really excited just to learn that the baby is developing normally and any changes in the due date.

I've also switched my primary provider to the women at Treasure Valley Midwives. Its less than 2 blocks from St. Lukes if there are any complications.I feel really comfortable in that environment, their care, and how close it is to home.

I hope you are all well and finding the beauty of life surrounding you.
Much love and gratitude,
Heidi Jae.

Padme's a dancer and Mama plays Musical Midwifes.

A few weekends ago I felt the baby move for the first time!

It happened mid-steamroll in a tent that James had camped in as a child. We went up to Silvercreek Plunge with his parents and got a visit from a couple of his aunts, uncles, and cousins. It was a great time. I had already met his aunt and uncle Patty and Brian as well as their two sons DeLaney and Lucas. I really like his family and it feels as Mama V has put it, that I fit right in. :)

Back to the steamroll...

I was there, wrapped up in not only one but two sleeping bags to fight off the freezing night, stacked belly to belly right on top of Hi-may (James). It was the beginning of really feeling the space that is my uterus, and there it was sandwiched up to his luscious buddha belly. And then... flicker-flicker-dance-dance! Instantly I knew, that is noooo sensation I've ever felt before. It must be the baby!! We were both happy and excited and especially since it kept happening all weekend.

I started reading a book a friend lent me that weekend; "Spiritual Midwifery" by Ina May. It revolutionized my viewpoints on birth, or rather let me embrace it from a freer, more holistic perspective. Much like my view of health and wellbeing outside of pregnancy and birth.

I had seen my Midwife the week before and although impressed with her philosophies, I couldn't deny some of the symbolism that is involved that I do not connect with. Paper lined tables under blaring florescent lights never said LIFE to me. Quite the opposite rather. That in addition to some energetic differences in character, the location of the hospital, a hospital setting, and adjustments to my ideal birthing plan to fit her needs left me open to pursue other avenues.

I had looked into the Treasure Valley Midwives and Birthing Center (http://www.treasurevalleymidwives.com/) previously but because of scheduling problems and a lack of knowledge or experience on my part I chose what felt the safest. But after remembering what I know of bodies already- that we are infinitely wise and that the natural order of life (Spirit) keeps myself and us all, protected and taken care of, I realized I needed to meet these women. Also I realized that ultimately I would be choosing to give birth in a hospital to gain a sense of security in a process that truly has no certainty.

Tomorrow, I will be meeting with the TVMidwives and hope that the experience will allow me to feel like a woman in the office and not a patient or an appointment time slot. Giving birth in an open, peaceful environment is what I envision for myself and our baby. I do fear an absolutely natural birth. I did think that having access to an epidermal would be ideal, as I still do, but unfortunately there are no anesthesiologists on location at the birthing center. I will address this fear more in my birthing class- Birthing From Within based on the ever-so-helpful book by Pam England.

Ultimately, I now view childbirth as a rite of passage; a portal to enter a new phase of my own womanhood. I want to actively choose a loving, peaceful passage through this ritual with my partner as we bring our child into this world honestly, riddled with intense pain and suffering but cushioned and comforted by boundless amounts of LOVE.

What a beautiful world it truly is..... :)

***

I think it was Sunday, the 23rd of August that I was having a rough time either with my emotions or my body and Hi-may said to me, after just supporting me with his presence: "Thank you for caring our baby Heidi." It was the sweetest thing and just one of the many things that he has been doing lately, or ever for that matter, that makes me look at him in amazement, awe, wonder and immense gratitude. I am so happy and grateful to be having this child with such a beautiful man. He will be a wonderful father, I have no doubts. We are very blessed to have each other and our new family.

Baby goes Boarding and Mama ain't RETRO'D no more!

Thanks to great friends taking us out to Celebrate Life on a Wednesday, Mama & Papa got to spend a few hours in the sun and in the water. What fun it was! I was a bit scared of catching an edge and doing a face-front body-smack on the water, but after taking a few years off the wakeboard, Mama did juuuust fine. :)

***

One thing that presented a bit of a potential problem for my pregnancy was the fact that I have a retro-verted uterus. This just means that instead of being above the cervix, it just leans back and in my case it was leanin' wayyyy back. Its common though for retroverted uteruses to "flip" after the 12th week or so. And after seeing my midwife (Georgianna Ainslie CNM) today, she confirmed that indeed, Mama aint retro'd no more! :)

I also got to hear the heartbeat again. This time it was a mere 160 bpm at 16 weeks vs. 179 at 10 weeks. My brother Eric & Sister-in-Law Jen, are going to send me some headphones attached to a microphone so you can hear the heartbeat whenever... or talk to the baby! Its so soothing to listen to. I hope to record it and I'm sure between myself and the magician that is Hi-may Rivera, we'll create something wonderful.

Coming Very Soon to blogspot!

Possibly Padme is the blog for James and I's baby that is expected on January 28th, 2010. I decided to do this blog so that friends and family can tune in whenever to get an update. Plus, I can actually have this blog published at one point and think for the baby's first birthday it will make a great gift.

"Possibly Padme" because if it is a girl, as myself, Papa, and so many others feel she will be, she will be named: Padme Pearl Puckett Hacking. Padme (pronounces "Pod-May") is Sanskrit in origin and a derivative of "Padma" which means Lotus. Padme is found in the Buddhist mantra: "Om Mani Padme Hum" which has been my personal mantra since 2005. One translation of the mantra is: "The jewel of consciousness resides in the heart's lotus." Padme in this mantra is meant as the wisdom from our heart's lotus. One day while singing kirtan at my house to myself, my love, and our baby it dawned on me that I wanted to have Padme in her name. It wasn't until many weeks later that after a dream one night, I discovered that that is what her name is to be. Mama's lil' Lotus, Padme Pearl. She or he, regardless if she does bloom into Padme or as I like to joke Padre (if a boy) this life already has awakened so many jewels of the heart.

Above is a picture of Possibly Padme at 10 weeks old.