About 18 weeks into my pregnancy I fell in love with women birthing. I was camping for the weekend with Himay's family and reading a book a friend lent me called "Spiritual Midwifery" by Ina May Gaskin. Its a fun book that was first printed in the late 60s I believe. It has hand-drawn illustrations; one that I loved was a baby's head coming out of the center of a lotus flower. It also has affirmations printed in large print through out the book. But what makes it so special, are the women's stories and Ina May's unwavering passion and belief in the spirit of women to birth naturally.
Reading her book reconnected me with a part of my spirit that had somehow gotten lost along the way. When I was in Jr. High, I remember talking about birth to a friend and I said that I would have my children naturally one day. I felt like birth was the most magical thing a woman could experience in her lifetime and it should be felt and experienced, not numbed.
Reading that book changed the direction I was headed for my own birth experience. In reading the book, I remembered my youthful spirit and also reconnected to what I am already very aware of: our environment greatly affects our experience! Especially if you are a sensitive person, like myself. Environmental factors are things that I pay very close attention to in my job: temperature, lighting, sound, and the texture of anything that comes into contact with someone.
In the early weeks of my pregnancy, a natural birth and birthing with the Treasure Valley Midwives scared me. I can't pinpoint why, but I can sum it up by saying, I am a product of my society's beliefs, to a relative degree. But I can and would like to sum up my feelings about how, and why I ended up choosing to birth at the birthing center by just saying, it was the best decision I have ever made for myself in my life.
I have always wanted to be a mother and four weeks ago today is when Lucas made his way into my life, Jan. 23rd. The day before is truly when it all started to happen. That day I had planned to go to the Costume Shop and find a fun pair of socks to rock while I was in labor. Sadly, I found myself exhausted by just taking a shower to start my day. This was a miraculous turn of events though because it forced me down to sleep my day away. Had I not gotten rest during the day of January 22nd, who knows how Lucas' birth story would've played out.
This is because, instead of recognizing the profound shifts and sensations occurring within my pelvis as labor that night, I assumed that my pelvis was just opening and preparing for a birth that would happen within days or a week. Himay and I went to see a movie, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, and I found myself shifting around in my seat quite often. The sensation was intriguing to me. Since becoming a bodyworker, I have found pain fascinating. It allows me to understand anatomy and its spacial relationship in a new way. I'm sure this played a large role in my early labor being seen more as a radical shift in my body than anything else.
By the time we got home and dinked around the house for a while, we decided we wanted to watch another movie. So Himay made a trip to the redbox and came back with Angels and Demons. At midnight we dove into it. At times I had to get up off the couch and sit on my exercise ball (also known as a "birthing ball") because it relieved the pressure on my pelvis. The sensation was coming from my pubic symphosis. This is the lowest portion of the front of the pelvis. It separates in the later stages of a pregnancy to make room for the baby's head to go down the birth canal. I hadn't felt any sensation like that yet in my pregnancy however, which is why I just imagined that this was my body preparing for birth vs. labor.
At the end of the movie, the newly appointed pope changes his name to Luke. He did this because in the Bible, Luke was a man who viewed science and religion as being equally important. I have always wondered why there is such a chasm between science and religion because I value the mystery of them both so much. But as we watched the final credits, I said to Himay "Oh, its a sign, we're going to have a son and name him Luke!"
That was the second time within the last month of my pregnancy that having a boy and naming him Luke came up. Of course, the first time happened after watching the entire Star Wars trilogy. Wait, is it still called a trilogy since there are actually 6 films? Is it a ditrilogy? Anyway, it was definitely an sign, even if we realized it or not.
After the movie was over, I quickly went to bed, it was about 2:30. And after just two hours of sleep I woke up needing to use the bathroom. As I went back to bed, I realized that something within me felt different. I couldn't quite explain it, I had no pain or major sensation anywhere but it was if my internal radar was going off. After I started to drift off, I noticed that I just didn't feel well. My stomach hurt a bit and I was shivering, freezing cold. I hadn't felt cold like this since before I was pregnant. So with my body shaking and shivering I knew something wasn't quite right. Before I knew it I was back in the bathroom dealing with a small bout of diarrhea. This is when I *knew* something was up. I had read about women experiencing cold sweats and diarrhea in early stages of labor so I thought, this could be it!
I went back to bed and noticed how much stronger the sensation was at my pubic symphosis than the night before. Yet, it only presented itself to me occasionally, yet in regular intervals. I thought, hmm, I didn't think this is what a contraction would feel like. So often they were described as pain that would start in the back of the body and then radiate towards the front. These didn't even feel like cramps, or strong bands of hard muscle flexing like my the contractions I had already experienced felt like.
At this point I was on a mental teeter-totter. Am I in labor? Yes I am! No I'm not! Should I wake up Himay? Yes! No, go back to sleep. You're not really in labor Heidi. And on and on... So I decided I would try to time the contractions (hereby deemed rushes) but as I fumbled. I couldn't remember what time the last one was at, how long it lasted and I sure as hell couldn't try to keep myself centered through the rushes as I tried to keep track. But I was still not convinced that I needed to involve anyone else yet.
Back to the toilet I went. Toilets are great places to labor. For one thing, bathrooms are comforting when you don't feel well. Secondly, its where we all sit and relax our pelvic floor muscles, its damn near Pavlovian. While I sat on the toilet this time I found myself spiraling downward. My mind and my attitude turned sour. 'I only got two hours sleep! This can't be happening now. I can't do this now!' I wanted to cry and probably did. I felt trapped. I knew I couldn't escape my labor, it doesn't happen that way. So I flipped my mental script as soon as I could. I realized, 'Yep, this is happening. Better get on track for the ride Heidi!' So I did, and I walked myself to the couch where I finally realized that I should indeed wake Himay. I did not need to be alone in my journey.
When I woke him, I was fragile. I told him that I thought I was in labor and that I was scared. I said, 'You know how I've been planning an empowering birth? Well, I'm scared. I am not sure I can do it.' He was sweet and tried to hold me and just remind me that everything that I needed was within me, that I could indeed do it. I felt much better and more confident. I knew I wanted to feel the support of a midwife so I called the pager to have the on-call midwife call me back. A few moments later, I received a call from Paula. I was happy to hear her voice because from the moment I met her, I felt like she matched my mental image of what a midwife should be and how they should make you feel. After telling Paula of my experience thus far and my lack of sleep, she was definitely concerned that I might get dehydrated or exhausted and for me to get some rest.
As we were wrapping up our conversation I felt another rush coming on and with it and surge of nausea. As I got off the phone with her I found myself hovering over the bathroom sink throwing up in grand style. And it didn't stop any time soon. For the next hour I found myself either sitting on the toilet for comfort, or standing at my sink throwing up. Fortunately, they're located right next to each other so I didn't have to move much. I had read that vomiting helps progress labor. This is because when the throat is open, it has a reflexive response on the cervix. So even though I dislike throwing up, I welcomed each surge, hoping it would help speed the process.
Towards the end of the hour I wandered into the bedroom, with a Nancy's yogurt container in hand incase I needed to throw up again. I was trying my best to get some rest in between rushes. But I could barely find comfort lying down. The pressure from my body lying on the bed intensified everything I was feeling internally. Yet, I was too exhausted to get up and move. For about 5 minutes, I found a state of relaxation and then rushed right into the next wave of discomfort and purging.
In my inability to find comfort, I realized that in part it was because my mind kept saying to me: "You don't want to give birth here. When is the right time to go to the birthing center? How the hell will I know? I don't even want to try. I should just go to the birthing center." And I later accepted that indeed, I just wanted to be at the birthing center so I called Paula again at about 7 o'clock. I had a hard time telling her of the intensity of what I was experiencing for a couple reasons. Of course its intense, its labor! Plus, I think I must be in early labor- I can't start feeling sorry for myself or that its too difficult yet, I have a long way to go! But I do my best to converse with her between the uncomfortable rushes that demand all of my attention. I told her that I wanted to go to the birth center because I couldn't continue going deeper into labor at my house and have to decide when the time would be right to pick up and leave.
We agreed to have her come and check me at home first to see how far along I was, so that depending on the result, we could either have the birth center to ourselves or have a midwife and assistant there with us. Shortly after I also called my doula Kristen and acupuncturist Sean Peachey. These are their technical roles in assisting at our birth, but they are some of the closest friends we have as well.
After I finally gave myself permission to ask for what I wanted, I felt much better. I decided to take my Nancy's yogurt container with me and sit on the birthing ball at the arm of our couch. Up until this point, I had felt like I was behind each energetic surge, or rush that came to me. I felt as though I treading high waters and doing a piss poor job of it. Himay came through in that moment to do exactly what I needed at just the right time. He turned on the stereo and played His Holiness the Dalai Lama's "Healing Chant." I've had this 40 minute chant for years and it has always soothed my soul of any stress or anxiety. I gave it to a friend once, Peachey actually, who said, "Heidi, you should warn people not to drive while listening to this. I got so relaxed I almost rear-ended a bus!" Its no wonder it works better than an epideral, the Dalai Lama is magical.
While I sat on the birthing ball listening to his voice, I finally caught up to the sensation of my rushes and found my center. I found peace and a sense of oneness with each rush. Even though it was not easy, nor comfortable I did not have to change the story of what I was experiencing whatsoever. Besides the Dalai chant, practicing mindfulness with my breath allowed me to find my center. In our birthing class these techniques were called breath-awareness and non-focused awareness.
I found myself so relaxed after this that I attempted to get some rest on the bed again. This time, I created a nest with quilts and climbed up on top of them. It worked as a perfect buffer between my hips and the bed. I finally felt comfortable lying down and tried to get some rest just as Paula, Kristen, and Peachey showed up at our house.
Paula and Kristen came into the bedroom and we spent a little bit of time covering the basics- blood pressure, heart rate, and all that while I went through a couple more rushes with them there. Finally Paula climbed up on the bed and checked my cervix. In just a few short moments, I went from feeling like I was dangling on a line, to a strong, sturdy, birthing tree! Paula said to me, "Well, its a good thing you followed your intuition because you're fully dilated and ready to have a baby. So, unless you want to have a home birth we should get over to the birthing center."
I felt so relieved, so validated! The feelings and thoughts I was experiencing were not just my own fabrication. I wasn't being dramatic and the intensity of what I was feeling was right on track. Having Paula check me catapulted me into the birthing goddess I knew I was and I was ready to bring our baby into the world.
I walked out into the house and let Himay know that it was time to head over to the birth center. This caught him off guard because he had anticipated having enough time to eat and take a shower before we'd head over. For all we knew when labor began, it could be 24-48 hours before we would return home with our baby.
I pointed out the piles of things I'd packed to take with us to the birth center and he and Sean got them ready as Kristen and I headed over to the birth center. Thank God it is only blocks away. Labor and cars definitely do not mix. But the ride was short and sweet. Kristen sang to the baby, me, and Himay on the way over. It was a song from a circle of friends that we have that bestows blessings for those you sing it to. I immediately felt a shift to a celebratory undertone in my experience and was so happy and grateful to be headed to the birth center.
I had set the intention to have close friends and family light a candle and say a prayer for me, James, our baby, and birth team when I went into labor. In order to be technologically suave, I sent out a mass text instead of starting a calling tree. I had thought ahead and had the text already composed and addressed in my drafts, ready to send out and I did as Kristen and I rode over.
As I prepared for birth, I often wondered if I would have a "painless" birth because of my curiosity of the body. Something inside of me told me that it really didn't have to be as painful as everyone makes it out to be. I felt like it would be the grandest moment of "Life Happening" and what could be so painful about that? It is Divine, pure beauty, and one of the highest calls for presence I imagined I could ever experience. But I often thought I was being naive and that I would end up getting smacked in the face by the labor goddess when the time came. Which is probably why I "over prepared" myself by reading every noteworthy book or blog I could get my hands on.
But this also provided one of the most important gems for me; the collective power in storytelling. I read two of Ina May Gaskin's books and a book called "The Baby Catcher" and all of them gave great collections of women's birth stories. Women who birth with midwives, naturally, and guided by their hearts desire and that are given the freedom to follow whatever that looks like. This allowed me to fill my consciousness with nothing other than a "can-do" attitude. I didn't watch countless episodes of "A Baby Story" or any other medicalized TLC program. I chose to see birth and pregnancy as a gift that required nothing more than my own hearts awareness.
I hadn't felt any pain yet, discomfort yes, but I did not feel like I was being ripped in two. I did not feel like I needed to scream or writhe because of the signals my body was giving me. And even though I was not finished with the birth, I wasn't afraid of what was ahead of me like I thought I would've been in the early months of my pregnancy. I still felt like this was a blessing, all of it. All of the people that were there, had yet to arrive, or were receiving the text message. All of them, along with the wondrous gift of life I was receiving, were an infinite blessing. How lucky I was, and am, to have such support. How could I not feel the beauty and love and who wouldn't chose to focus on that instead of the uncertain future I was facing?
When I arrived at the birth center Paula was setting up the room that we had chosen. I told her I would like to start out in the bathtub and while she was preparing it, I sat on the toilet with Kristen by my side. I had been afraid to start pushing on the way over, for obvious reasons, and was still a little apprehensive about pushing while sitting on the toilet. I imagined that since it had already been going so fast, that once I started pushing a baby would end up falling out of me. Paula assured me that it was OK to start pushing so I began.
In a matter of minutes, I found myself in the bath tub. It is a large jacuzzi style tub and i found myself on my knees, leaning onto the front of the tub. Kristen and Premdaya, who had just arrived, were there with me. James and Sean had arrived but were bringing in our stuff, and helping James ground a bit before entering the birth room.
It was about 8:30 in the morning and the room we chose was on the East side of the building and the morning light was flooding in through the windows. The light felt very white and made everything look heavenly. I had to keep my eyes closed primarily to focus inward and connect to each rush, but in between one I opened my eyes to take in the room around me. I was trying to store it all in my mind because I was so happy to be there. Paula and Jill, were our birth suppport from TVM and they were hanging out in the room, yet with enough distance from me that they could allow me to just be, yet also feel their support. I loved what I saw in the room, such beautiful, wise women. Women that I admired and that are interested in changing the world, either through birth or healing. One in the same, I say. At one point I said to them, 'I wish I could keep my eyes open and closed at the same time. You all look so beautiful.'
I also loved what I was seeing below me. In the water I was seeing bright red specs floating around me. I take lots of baths and to me the specs resembled when fragments of my socks get stuck between my toes and then later end up dancing in the water with me. I knew however that I was not wearing red socks that day. I wasn't sure what it was until later I saw a much larger piece and knew from my readings that it was my mucus plug. (Sorry if TMI folks, but this is me we're talking about here.) In between my rushes I would look down and see the specs of tissue floating around. They really looked so beautiful, so graceful. I loved the scarlet red against the contrasting stark white background of the tub. As time went on, more and more floated around me. They were a delicate and beautiful reminder of the process I was in, and that my body had gone through in the past 9 months.
While in the tub I would catch myself saying, 'What, I'm still pushing? Seems like the baby should be here already, the rest of it went so fast...' and so on. In those moments, I would remind myself that birthing is like walking a labyrinth. Sometimes it seems like you're closer towards the beginning than the end, but all in all, you're always making progress as long as you're still walking. Plus I'd remind myself how fortunate I was to be that far along already. I had no room to complain so as soon as the negative thought came, it went. But this did happen more than once or twice in my birth experience.
Soon enough, I grew uncomfortable in the tub. I couldn't quite get the leverage that I wanted. So I found myself on the birthing stool. In the transition to get there, I think I had the most intense rushes of my laboring experience. I think it was something about standing. Fortunately Himay was their to hold me up because I almost dropped to the ground with the force that was coming through me.
I did like the birth stool, the position I was in made me feel like I was gaining progress with the help of gravity. Kristen sat behind me as Himay was in front of me and I finally found myself saying to Himay 'Come closer.' and we were able to look into each others eyes a couple of times and I could feel his love and support. It was beautiful, short and sweet yet perfectly clear in my mind and heart still to this day.
I was amazed by how tuned in Kristen was to my needs. No matter where I was, if I found myself feeling an ache she would be there rubbing it. And when I found myself thirsty between rushes, she was handing me my juice. All without ever having to ask. She is a great doula and having her there, in harmony with me, was integral for my experience to have gone so smoothly.
While I was on the birth stool I again found myself fascinated with what was coming out of my body, still wasn't my baby, but it was life in another form, liquid. I was amazed by the amniotic fluid that would come out of me with each push. It gave me something to look at as the rush wrapped up. While I was here the baby was getting close enough that I could feel his head making its way with my hand, he was so close to him crowning, yet not quite there.
While I was on the birth stool, I did struggle. I was having a hard time feeling like I had enough breath. I was guided to hold my breath during the rush so I could use the force to push the baby down. I told Jill that after the rush I felt like I was going to pass out because I couldn't catch my breath. She brought in some chlorophyl for me to drink, which helps oxygenate the blood, and it did help. She also became more active in guiding me when to take a breath in. I think that it was because of this that we transitioned to the bed.
While I was on the stool I caught my mind saying things like, 'Am I doing this right? Am I doing all that I can? Am I somehow doing something wrong?' Ultimately I do believe that I was doing all I could, but I think that these thoughts are what fills my mind when I am in a position of trying something new, or trying to further myself in any arena. Birthing shows a woman what she thinks of herself, which is why it is, and can be, such a scary experience. Yoga is the same way. You can't hide what you think about yourself when you're trying to bend over backwards or stand on your head. Try it for yourself, you'll see. Ironically, this was the only intension I had an attachment to for my birth experience: Yoga, or Union. I wanted to feel like I was honestly connected and in harmony with what the moment was giving me. Yoga is life and it is what helped me birth without a doubt.
In retrospect, I do believe that if I would've changed my mental chatter at that point, that I might have had the strength to voice that I did not actually want to lay down on the bed when we moved there. But because I was buying into the fact that I didn't know what I was doing, or what my true strength was to a small degree, I allowed someone elses' idea to guide me to a position that seemed right yet in my heart, I felt wasn't. I do believe it is where I was meant to be in birthing, I just can't help but read between the lines in retrospect to give me greater wisdom and clarity in the future.
While I was on the bed, I layed on my side. Premdaya came to the head of the bed and held my hand while James and Kristen held my right leg up and massaged my leg and hip in between rushes. Sean was taking pictures and and Jill and Paula were both there coaching me to give each push my all. And I definitely was. Thanks to Jill's guidance I found ways to maximize my strength. I was feeling really fatigued at this point and Jill asked me to connect to the energy that everyone in the room was giving to me and to use that in addition to my rushes. I hadn't noticed that I was slightly tuning everyone out except her so at that moment I opened my eyes and literally saw a circle of support looking down at me on the bed. I was amazed at the beauty again! Such loving, present people and they were there for me!
I think it was at this point that Sean told me that it was snowing outside and that he had seen 7 or 8 deer a moment before. This touched me deeply because somehow I knew it would snow during my birth and deer are "gentle" medicine, reminding us to live at Earth's rhythms and the gifts found in grace. I felt my heart fill up and I was even more ready to have the baby. I remember saying to myself, 'OK God, I'm ready to have this baby. Baby, lets do this!' And in just one or two rushes, I finally pushed his head out! I was so happy and relieved! It was the only sensation that I could say was painful, but it was quick. I think it took two more rushes to get his shoulders out and then before I knew it a big beautiful baby was lying on my stomach. I couldn't catch my breath enough to speak and it all felt so surreal to me. It happened so fast, I couldn't believe that yes, this was our baby and he was here!Although, I didn't really know it was a he, yet.
I said to everyone, 'Is it a boy!?' They all laughed and said, we don't even know, we didn't check yet. I didn't care enough to lift my baby off of me to see either. He felt so glorious there on my belly. So warm and full of life. He was crying loudly which sounded beautiful to us. Himay kept saying, "Listen to those healthy lungs!" He was so happy to have a healthy baby that he didn't quite know what to say or do.
Finally I said, Ok, I need to know who you are and I lifted him up. Sure enough, he was a boy. I don't know how I knew, but I just did. I didn't even think about the sex of the baby at all until after he was born and I asked if he was a boy. He looked so beautiful to me. I just loved touching him and massaging his freshly born skin. I couldn't find any words and didn't want to speak any really. I was so exhausted. I just wanted to look at him and take every ounce of him in with my eyes. Its a feeling only a mother can understand. It was the purest moment I believe I've ever experienced and a sense of awe and wonder like nothing I have ever imagined.
I was in a dream.
It was only minutes later when he first began nursing. His suckling woke me from my surreal state. The connection between mother and son, the truth of our love, and the two breathing lives now and forever interwoven were sealed in that moment between his mouth and my breast. That moment and feeling are eternal. Words only dilute the love I feel in my heart for the experience.
I said to Himay, 'I'm thinking he's a Luke. What do you think? Lucas Bryce Björn Hacking.' He agreed but asked me if I wanted to have Puckett in his name too. I thought four names is enough, Lucas Bryce Björn Hacking sounded perfect. I told everyone that I always wanted to name a son Luke if I ever had one. (BTW Lucas seems to fit him better than Luke at this point we think.)
Within moments we had some friends on the phone that were gathered in Salt Lake. They knew that I wanted to give birth that weekend because I felt that since they were all together, without us there, that if I went into birth that we would still all be connected and together. It was magical that it ended up happening that way. With them on speaker phone we all sang to Lucas' for the first time, our special blessing song. Lucas Lucas sunari sunariati! (I'm pretty sure I butchered the spelling on that one!)
And in less than 30 minutes our friend Carrie was there with food and Casey came up from the yoga studio. Class had been going on below and Casey informed me that Lori was down there as well and that 20 women were OMing and praying for us right at 11:18, when Lucas was born.
I was still in shock that the birth just happened and that I our baby was right there in the room with us. Everyone was so happy and the energy of the room and birth center felt very joyous. I still had to be attended to as I tore while delivering Lucas' head. He was posteriorly presented and his head was tilted so that the top corner so-to-speak, was what came out first.
Other than that, there were no real "hitches" during the delivery. In fact, everyone kept telling me what a great job I did and every time they did, I would just say, 'I feel like I didn't do anything. It all just happened through me.' Which is exactly what it did feel like. There was a part of me that wanted to feel like I would have to wage a battle while giving birth so I honestly felt like it was all just too easy. I also felt like I couldn't take the credit for any of it.
It wasn't until the next day when Paula came to our house to check on me and Lucas that I finally realized that I did in fact do something. Paula again told me how great I did and I had my usual reply. Thats when Paula said "But Heidi, you live your life a certain way and you did everything you could to put intention into your birth and did a lot to take care of your body to prepare for labor." And I finally got it. I did do something, the years of doing my best to live in Union with life, all of the meditation and prayer I put forth towards the birth, months of structural integration bodywork, acupuncture, chiropractic care, visualization, mantra, and calling forth family and friends' prayers to help support us as well.
I can't measure how each effected the outcome, and it doesn't even matter. My heart knows that in allowing an open, honest communication between my mind, heart, and body and Lucas' while he was within me brought the light to show me the way for our birth.
Thank you Lucas for the light you are, have been, and will be.
Thank you Universe for allowing this infinite love and creation.
Om Shanti Namaste
Much love,
MamaHJae<3
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